The L Word, week 5
Week 5 gives us another cheesy flashback opening. This time involving men in a West Hollywood bathroom in 1976. One of them turns out to be a cop who arrests his um partner in bathroom crime. The cop also appears later in what could be simultaneously the dumbest and funniest scene of this shows five episode existence. More on that after main character bitching and moaning.
If I were watching this show for creative content I would be genuinely pleased with the scenes dealing with Kit and Bette’s father, played by the always wonderful Ossie Davis, and I’d write all about them. But I’m not so I won’t. I will say however that Ossie’s appearance has given us the hint of a storyline for Pam Grier which is thrilling. I’ll also say that Pam Grier had the best written and best delivered lines in the whole show so please god convince those silly people writing this show to actually give her more to do soon. Now onto the “good” stuff.
Because character consistency is apparently not a concept The L Word writers are terribly concerned with the closeted tennis player is making out in broad daylight with her new girlfriend on the Country Club’s tennis court.
Broad daylight + tennis courts + people around = not really closeted
This is the same person who in the first episode took her male “beard” to a lesbian party on the off chance that some straight person would be at the party and she would need to cover. Now she’s just making out all in public? OK fine, glad you’ve come out of the closet. Oh wait she’s not out of the closet because after the tennis court makeout session her manager tells her she cannot take the girlfriend to a charity event thrown by her sponsor (Subaru of course). She does what the manager says and much hurt feelings ensue. Because this is only a one hour show the hurt girlfriend forgives her as long as she agrees to take steps out of the closet because tennis player girl you are “really, really gay.” I kind of have the opinion that coming out because someone else really wants you to instead of because you want to is just asking for trouble. And since this is a one hour drama I’m guessing being out is going to lead to loss of sponsor money, homophobia from tennis opponents, much fussing by the manager, followed by much blaming of the girlfriend. I could be wrong…but I’m usually not.
14 minutes into this episode we find that Predatory Lesbian (PL) and Straight Girl have moved out of the bathroom they hooked up in last week and into the home that Straight Girl shares with her boyfriend. OK technically it’s the converted garage work space that Boyfriend made into a office for Straight Girl to write in but since it’s behind their house it still counts. They have a short silly conversation about a story that Straight Girl has written and then move quickly on to the sexing portion of the day. Even though straight girl has been nearly mute in all of her sexual encounters on the show thus far, this day she must be extremely loud. On this day she must moan and say “Oh fuck. Oh yeah, oh right there” because her boyfriend has come home to retrieve something he’s forgotten and if he didn’t hear her sounds of sexual pleasure he might not come out to the converted garage and he might not see her getting it on with PL. So she moans and he hears and he sees. The three supposed grown ups then have a silent non-confrontation where PL leaves, Straight Girl looks almost pleased with her self and Boyfriend of course looks tragically hurt. The lack of confrontation here is just dumb. The confrontation is delayed until she shows up and causes a scene in front of his co-worker and the athletes he coaches. Is it supposed to be more dramatic because other people have seen them fighting?
The funniest (or most tragic depending on how you look at it) thing about their confrontation and fight is that Straight Girl seemed genuinely shocked that their life together can’t just go on like it had been (minus sex with PL of course since she just lied to him and told him that what he saw was the very first time it had happened). So she pulls out all the clich�s and contrivances that we’ve all come to expect like “Please don’t leave me” and “If you leave me I think I’ll die” and “I love you and I just want to be your wife.” Somehow, someway that last one gets to him and he tells her to get in the car. They go to see PL and Straight Girl gives a rehearsed speech about how “it” was a terrible mistake that won’t happen again and “I’ll never see you again.” Because lesbians are generally nice people (or stupid) PL covered for Straight Girl when Boyfriend asked how long the woman love had been going on. Who says chivalry is dead?
I literally screamed “oh my fucking god they did not just do that” when Boyfriend next appeared on my screen looking up homosexuality in the index of the bible. First of all since the word homosexuality is never mentioned in the Bible I’m fascinated, I mean bloody fascinated, that it’s in an index (and I don’t think my bible has an index…). Oh did I mention that he’s looking at the Bible in a Lake Tahoe Wedding Chapel? That’s right. Here’s a tip to all the marriage hungry straight girls. Apparently if your boyfriend/fianc� sees you having sex with another woman you’ll get a wedding ring out of it. Heterosexual rituals are fascinating; the sanctity of marriage indeed.
Cut to the Honeymoon Suite where Straight Girl desperately wants to have sex and BoyfriendHusband just wants her to shower. Her cleanliness doesn’t put him in the mood and I nearly felt sorry for her as she pathetically tried to erm, arouse his interests. It was painful to watch.
In the harsh light of day (I’ve just always wanted to use that phrase) Husband makes a shocking and brilliant move by leaving both his new wife and his wedding ring in the Honeymoon Suite. I’m not sure if that means he’s going to be Boyfriend again or Ex-Boyfriend or what so we’ll have to be on the edge of our seat until next week waiting for info on what to call him. While driving back to L.A, because ha, ha isn’t it grand to show (and by show I mean hit the audience over the head with stupid plot tricks like flashbacks) how hypocritical and crazy people are, Husband gets stopped for speeding by the same cop from the opening flashback. In what has to be the best getting out of a speeding ticket story ever Husband tells his tale of woe about his fianc�-now-wife getting it on with another woman. The cop employs my favorite excuse for hating gay people of all time: “Two people with the same equipment know how to treat it. How can someone of the opposite sex compete?” According to the cop that’s why homosexuals in this country are so dangerous because honestly gay sex is so much better than straight sex and once everybody gets a taste of it the whole world is going to go gay (ok that last part about the whole world going gay was added by me but it’s just the natural conclusion to his train of thought).
To end the show Straight Girl wakes up alone (wearing a frightening outfight of tattered black panty hose and nothing else) and finds the discarded wedding ring of the man she just married and couldn’t convince to sleep with her. My only problem with Husband marrying and leaving her in Tahoe is that he now has to go through the hassle of an annulment. The pragmatist in me is thinking about money spent on a marriage license and a stupid ceremony and then more money spent for an annulment. Plus the hassle of paperwork and all that. Then again nothing makes a point like stranding a cheating Straight Girl in a cheap honeymoon suite in Lake Tahoe so perhaps it was a value after all.
Previews for next week’s episode indicate that the sperm donor for the lesbian couple’s baby has a girlfriend who is none too happy that he donated and she wants “rights” over the child. I’m not straight so I can’t speak from a straight woman’s perspective but if your man wants to give his sperm away and doesn’t tell you about it then first of all he doesn’t really seem to care about your opinion much. And also how fucking crazy do you have to be to want to go after the child he donated his sperm to create? Obviously his sperm works so if he was concerned about having a child with you wouldn’t he be donating it to your child fund? And if he had wanted to be involved in the child’s life he wouldn’t have agreed to be just a donor instead of an active parent. Maybe it’s just this show’s intent so show straight women as crazy…..
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