The L Word Season 2 Week 1
For some reason the show decided to replace the nice electronic theme song from last year with a horrible, horrible new song that makes my ears hurt. Accompanying this dreadful theme song is an opening sequence that’s so cheesy and irritating you’ll thank me for not describing it in detail. So let’s just pretend it doesn’t exist and move forward. OK? Great.
We must have been very, very good during the off season because we get a decent flashcurrent instead of a weird flashback. Los Angeles, present day, a very pregnant Tina in her doctor’s office. At least 5 or 6 months along I would guess. Apparently she got herself pregnant at the end of last season but didn’t tell Bette until she was significantly along because she wanted to protect Bette in case she last the pregnancy early again. So to be clear, she was thinking of and trying to protect Bette while Bette was doing the oh so hot Candace. Oh yeah Bette is still doing Candace cause we see them post sex. Bette is looking distant and sad thinking of Tina (apparently post orgasm you think of who you love instead of who actually gave you the orgasm. It’s like sexual truth serum.) while the still hot Candace tries to regain her full attention.
Candace has apparently lost her magical sexual touch though because Bette evacuates the bed to find Tina and beg forgiveness (although Bette may be the one with the magical sexual touch because Candace becomes stalker-ish and calls 6 times after Bette dumps her). Well she doesn’t really beg forgiveness as much as she sort of says “my bad” and then gets busted for trying to apologize mere hours after going at it with Candace. This dialogue is better than I can make up:
Bette: “I didn’t try to see you or call you till now because I wanted to be sure I could do what you asked me.” Blah, blah, blah. I’ll never see Candace again. I miss you and I need you.
Tina: “When did you end it?”
Bette: “This morning.”
Tina: “Did you fuck all night before you told her I was the love of your life?”
Later Bette talks to Alice and tries to “explain” her cheating by saying “I exhausted every once of will” trying to resist. She also says Tina was emotionally absent after losing the baby. “She abandoned me as much as I abandoned her.” Again with the good lines Alice says “Only one of you was having an orgasm.” Burn. Tina gets a not quite as good line but still an effective one when she tells Bette “I hope you had fun blowing off some steam with the carpenter.” Bette yells (more like grita or clama por if you speak Spanish) after her and Tina slams the door and leaves.
Even though apparently at least 3 months have passed (based on Tina’s developing pregnancy) Alice, Tennis Player and Shane were kind enough not to entertain any emotional development during that time so we wouldn’t miss anything although they did both get hair cuts. That’s why while having coffee at The Planet Shane is still semi-mopey after getting her heart broken and Alice and TP have not discussed their “You can’t marry Tonya” and kiss episode in the season finale. After a sip of bad coffee Alice has possibly the best line of the episode when she says “This coffee tastes like poopy shit. Where is Marina?” Ah yes where is Marina. Tonya (who from now on I’ll refer to as Cat Killer because I just know she killed Mr. Piddles) spills that Marina tried to kill herself and she’s been whisked back to Milan by her Contessa mother. Predatory Lesbian is royalty. Who knew? Marian’s suicide attempt grows and spins into various urban legends during the show. According to some she took pills, others say she tried to jump off the balcony, or she tried to drive her car off the PCH, or something. Point being PL has been banished from the show foreva in a really stupid way. Because you know PL came across as so weak last season that it makes perfect sense for her to try to off her self. Just like it makes perfect sense for Trapeze Artist to be the person the hospital calls when PL is brought in because, wait for it, Trapeze Artist can then tell Straight Girl that PL was calling her name. Too many female pronouns in there. PL was calling Straight Girl’s name. Got it? Good. Although I think I’m going to have to give Straight Girl a new name because Marine Biology Boy, who’s she still dating but not having sex with, completely called her out after she was checking out every single woman at the Farmer’s Market. He said “You are a girl loving full on lesbian.” She doesn’t think that’s for him to say but damn, I can see his point because up until this point she’d fuck pretty much anything but she won’t fuck him. Bye bye Marine Biology Boy.
Also bye bye Tim. He’s moving to Ohio. He’s probably heard there are no lesbians who steal your supposedly straight girlfriends in Ohio. His goodbye to LA is very boring so it’s jumbled in my memory but basically he tells Straight Girl Jenny she can take over the lease on his house if she wants, she says she can’t afford it and he then strips naked and starts to have sex with her but suddenly stops and leaves in the U haul for Ohio. She whispers please don’t go in that irritating, whiny way of hers and then he’s gone. It took up a lot more screen time than I’m giving it credit for but it’s better my way. Obviously the lesbian writers have better senses of humor than I give them credit for since they have him leaving in a U haul.
Enough of the non-lesbian madness. Alice and TP decide that after their kisses (yes plural, they kissed in the bathroom at The Planet and their whole interaction is full of sexual tension) they need to make up rules of unattraction. That is they list what the other needs to do to make themselves unattractive. Basically TP says Alice can’t wear clingy shirts and Alice says TP can’t show up hot and sweaty after working out. Because apparently when they do those things they both forget about Cat Killer and just want to go at it immediately. I predict they’re having sex by the 30 minute mark next week. Or at least thinking about it really, really hard.
In the dumbest cameo ever Shane is doing Arianna Huffington’s hair for a tv appearance. The only points that I can find for this was so Huffington could say “dykes are the new fags” (still don’t know what that means) and so Shane could fuck a sexy as hell PA (and dj) named Carmen. Of course Carmen is immediately smitten with Shane and is hurt when she sees Shane macking on someone else later that night at a club.
The always fabulous Pam Grier gets a hint of a storyline in that she’s trying to buy The Planet from the now weak, crazy and gone Marina. Early in the episode she’s still messing with Ivan (same as last year, lots of talk, Ivan being chivalrous, but no actual dating or sex or anything). This comes to a screeching halt when Kit sees Ivan’s girl parts. Ivan freaks the fuck out and tells Kit to leave. This is not my area of expertise so I’m really not sure why Ivan freaks so much because we all knew about the girl parts. But anyway, goodbye Ivan. Very, very goodbye.
Other stuff that warrants mentioning but not a full paragraph:
- To show how up on trends the show is Alice is knitting (poorly) as research for an article she’s writing
- Cat Killer wants to register for an espresso machine that costs 2 Grand for her upcoming nuptials with Tennis Player. Damn lady. I just did my non-wedding registry and don’t have a single item that tops 4 bills (I mean $400 but am not sure if bills mean hundreds or thousands. Damn, I’m not up with the street lingo. I’m a square).
- Kit says she’ll talk to Tina for Bette and Bette asks what she’ll say. To very nearly quote Kit says “I’ll tell her that my baby sister is a poon (that’s a vulgar phrase that I’m not sure how to spell) chasing dog who needs to be beat but will she please take you back anyway because you love her and can’t live without her.” Bette says “you can try.”
- Trapeze Artist asks Jenny to live with her and says “I think we could be happy Jen.” Cue her broken heart next week
And that’s week 1. It’s good to be doing this again.
Thankies for doing so 
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