The L Word Season 2 Week 3
No flashback, no flashcurrent. Instead, this week we get to open with a very disturbing dream Alice is having. We know it’s a dream because it says “Present day in your wildest dreams.” Thanks for the tip. Anyway, Alice is writing on her iBook (you didn’t expect her to have a PC did you?) in a rain forest-esque setting when Cat Killer slithers up in a too tight dress and over the top makeup. There is flirting and licking of the lips and then Tennis Player slithers between Alice’s legs from beneath the desk her iBook is sitting on. It’s very frightening and Alice agrees because at this point she wakes up scared to death.
Since last week Kit has completely turned The Planet into a gay disco. OK not really a gay disco but I’ve always wanted to use that phrase, The Planet is basically a nightclub now as far as I can tell. There was no coffee or talk of coffee last night there was however liquor, dancing, a dj and a band. The DJ was of course Carmen because in all of LA there is only one lesbian dj (I’m experimenting with whether it looks better as DJ or dj) and Shane is fucking her. The band was Betty (after a lame sub-sub plot about trying to get Pink to perform because surely lesbians want Pink). I’m either too young or too old to find Betty cool. I don’t know which but they freaked me out in two main ways. 1) They are to blame for the absolutely horrible new theme song of the show and 2) The older lead singer brought Shane on stage and did perverse things with her that made my eyes hurt.
Bette and Tina and their lawyers are meeting to discuss a settlement. Bette obviously views this as a temporary thing because her offer is for short term housing and $10,000. Tina’s lawyer vehemently objects because in her words this is a “final separation” settlement not something temporary. Bette tries to beg Tina to reconsider but because Tina apparently can’t think or talk for herself her non-stereotypical lawyer jumps in and verbally smacks Bette down. Legal nonsense to be continued at a later date. After this failed meeting though Tina’s lawyer invites Tina to stay in her massive guest house while she sorts things out and so she can get off Alice’s couch. How many billable hours do you think staying at the guest house works out to be? Or better yet since next week’s previews show the lawyer trying to kiss Tina how much pregnant woman sex is required to recoup time in the guest house? Alice helps Tina move into the big ass guest house. Because finally someone has to acknowledge the fact that Tina looks pregnant Alice says she’s worried that Tina is trying to eat her way through depression. Tina says “I’m not fat” and bares her very pregnant belly. Finally someone knows.
Bette is in a daze after the this-is-so-not-what-I planned meeting with the lawyers so she runs a red light and hits another car. The guy she hits is fucking crazy and short. And he yells at her. Since she’s pretty fucking crazy at this point too she yells back. A lot. Later he calls her and tries to convince her to just write a blank check for the damage to his car instead of getting an estimate. There is much yelling before the brilliant line of the week: “Bring it on you fucking dwarf!” Bette’s employers love this display.
Crazy Jenny tries to woo her way into Sandra Bernhard’s class under the guise of finding out why she didn’t get in in the first place. Sandra says Jenny’s writing is journaling with circumstances and settings changed not fiction and Sandra is not interested in reading “the autobiography of Miss Jenny Schecter.” I cheered at this part but my happiness was soon dashed. Crazy Jenny lived up to her name by having weird writing visions/flashbacks that are shockingly disturbing and boring at the same time. After these visions she rewrote her story, stalked Sandra Bernhard and convinced her to read it. The new version of the story is so much better than the previous one that Sandra Bernhard lets her into the class. Your weak ass disappoints me Sandra Bernhard.
Shane and Crazy Jenny are officially living together now. We know this because Jenny walks into the kitchen and finds Carmen in very, very tiny red underwear and tank top. Carmen is debating which one says you care more soy milk or beer. The consensus is soy milk but that’s not very sexy. The consensus should be that openly showing affection to Shane is not the way to go but they didn’t ask me. So Carmen takes beer back to Shane. Since they’ve already had sex (which we didn’t not get to see. Bastards) Shane is ready to go out. Carmen convinces her to stay in with the promise of more sex. This works for a bit, as sex usually does with Shane, but after sex Carmen tries to talk which freaks Shane out. General questions about family, friends, past, etc are met with complete non responsiveness from Shane. Eventually Shane says she’s going out. Because Carmen has learned absolutely nothing about Shane since week one when Shane fucked her and blew her off she looks hurt. Shane tries to explain with “I don’t like sleepovers.” This incident coupled with Shane’s icky behavior with the singer from Betty described above leads Carmen to fall under the gaze of Crazy Jenny. Run Carmen run. Don’t get sucked in. Although I confess that seeing Shane look hurt and a bit stunned after she saw Carmen and Jenny kissing was almost enough to make it worth seeing Jenny land yet another woman. Almost I said. I can’t take Jenny getting both ass and into the writing class. It’s just not fair.
Tennis Player meets Cat Killer for what she thinks is lunch for two. Turns out Cat Killer has reps from The Advocate, Absolute Vodka, Subaru and a bunch of other supposedly gay friendly companies. Turns out the lunch is actually a pitch for Cat Killer’s best business move yet, the first ever “Corporate Sponsored Lesbian Celebrity Wedding.” Let’s just repeat that to ourselves. Corporate Sponsored Lesbian Celebrity Wedding. Moving on. For the planning of these quaint, humble, subdued nuptials Cat Killer is taking a 15% manager’s fee. This distresses Tennis Player. Are you my girlfriend or my manager? Both Cat Killer responds with a smile. Naturally this revelation leads Tennis Player to Alice’s apartment. Well she doesn’t actually go into the apartment because that would be against the “let’s make ourselves unattractive and unavailable to each other because we’d like to just go at it on the floor right now” rules. So they stand in the doorway talking. The only important things of the conversation were Alice rightly saying “You’re marrying an endorsement slut” and even more sexual tension building between the two. I’m really impressed that the show has had the restraint to keep them from fucking for this long. The actresses are doing a pretty good job at playing up the sexual tension though not nearly as good as Jennifer Beals and the actress playing Candace did last year.
Speaking of Candace, she’s apparently stopped calling Bette but still sends stalkerish emails. I say stalkerish because one of them had a picture attached. In the picture Candace and Bette are in bed but Bette is passed the hell out. It’s more than a little creepy that Candace was posing pictures of the two of them while Bette was unconscious. We see this picture not because Bette looks at it, that would make too much damn sense. No, we see it because Tina sees it and is hurt all over again. She came over to pick up a few things while Bette was at the re-opening of The Planet. After seeing the bed all messed up and Bette’s iBook (again with the iBooks) in the bed Tina sits down and holds Bette’s pillow. She did the same thing that Bette had done with her pillow hours before, which was hold it close to her body and smell the scent of the lover that isn’t there anymore. I suppose we were supposed to think that this gesture was making Tina miss Bette and possibly weaken her resolve to leave her. To combat this Tina had to not only be reminded of Bette’s betrayal but she also has to see visual evidence of it. So of course she opens Bette’s computer and sees Candace’s stalker email. Tina is crushed once again.
Though Tina is the one who is completely justified in being a despondent wreck Bette is the one who is an absolute mess. After yelling at the angry dwarf and shoveling attitude to her boss Bette shows up drunk at Shane and Jenny’s place where everyone, sans Tina, is hanging out. Bette is sad and pissed off that no one invites her anywhere and ends up acting well drunk, sad, and pissed off. At the end of the night Shane and Alice help a drunk, sad, weeping Bette home (see that’s character progress, she lost the pissed off part and replaced it with weeping). Then at The Planet re-opening she continues her insane behavior by semi-bonding with Crazy Jenny over committing infidelity. Bonding with Jenny would be the exact moment I lost my insanity but Bette’s last for a bit longer. After the scary bonding she goes home and finds that Tina has been there. Not only has Tina been there, she’s completely cleaned the closet out, and oh fuck saw the picture Stalker Candace took. This is Bette’s breaking point. Sadly this isn’t a comic book so I didn’t get a cartoon bubble of what Bette was thinking but I think surely it was this: “I’m so depressed I can’t think of anything to do but lie face down in the swimming pool.” And that’s what she did. Completely dressed she wades into her swimming pool and lies down face first and floats. As far as melodramatic episode endings go that’s a pretty good one.
Previews for next week find Tina’s lawyer trying to get pregnant woman love, Cat Killer setting Alice up with a guy and Shane and Jenny getting a straight boy roommate who wants to make a documentary. Just brilliant plot points all. I’m on the edge of my seat with anticipation for a straight guy living with two sexually uninhibited (that’s a nice way of putting things) lesbians and making a documentary. You know that’s not going to turn out ugly, nope not an ugly messing ending at all. Not even remotely a completely contrived ridiculous plot point. Not at all.
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