What Led Me Here (part 2)
Tiffany prompted me to go deeper in the comments to yesterday’s post and since I ended up writing a novel in response I’m copying it here as its own post.
Heh, that’s the question isn’t it? I can remember being 13 years old and being immensely attracted to the very few principles of Judaism that I knew at that time. Of course I knew absolutely zero actual Jews but I’d read about certain principles and rituals that resonated with that young version of myself. In the abstract I’d describe myself as always having been a skeptical seeker of spirituality. See: http://www.michellejones.net/ga/2003/12/being_of_love.html
More to the point though: A few years ago I decided I wanted to be a better person. I was miserable in Indianapolis and it was making me into a really unpleasant, mean person. Snark was the only mode I had and I decided I didn’t want to live my life that way. I started looking more for the good in the world and the good in people. It was very hard for me to do but I tried. I had limited success. Last February I watched a documentary called The Jewish Americans and one line, one tiny line, from the whole 4 hour production resonated with me so very deeply it ignited the spark in me that wouldn’t be denied.
The line was about Jews being a people who are supposed to say 100 blessings a day (now that I know Jews I don’t know any who actually do say 100 blessings a day but that’s not the point). 100 blessings a day? A religion that seeks and finds 100 things to be grateful for each day? That’s incredible and so different than any religious experience I’d ever had in my life.
Neither my head nor my heart could let go of the concept. Living a life of finding, celebrating and being grateful for good things was so attractive to me and (please excuse me for sounding so very cheesy) my soul yearned for it. But I did try to deny it. I thought I was crazy and presumptuous to seriously consider conversion. I mean at that point I wasn’t even sure I believed in a deity. And what on earth could I bring to the Jewish people? Why would they want me?
But the yearning was beyond me. As I said above I remember sitting at my desk and just having to write to my rabbi. I just had to. He responded wonderfully (even to the part about me not being sure I believed in a deity). Then he assigned books to read. Come on? To a nerd like me getting assigned books to read and study is like giving candy to a little kid. Then I learned more about how thinking, questioning and arguing is not only allowed but encouraged in Judaism. Say what? Yes please. And on and on it went. Each new thing I learned, each new ritual I participated in the more at home in Judaism I felt.
I’m an introvert by nature. New places filled with people I don’t know are really difficult for me to navigate. When I went to services for the first time the rabbi happened to not be there that night. I knew absolutely no one in the sanctuary. Based on my introvert tendencies (and my past experiences) my flight reflex should have kicked in, I should have left, but I stayed. And I went back. Again and again until I became part of the community. This is so not something I would normally do but it was just easy to do at shul. Once, in the early days I just said to a perfect stranger “could you please help me” find the place in the prayer book or something like that. That is so abnormal for me. I’ll flip through the whole book trying to find the right place before I speak to a stranger and ask for help. But I had no qualms about it in shul. It just felt right and easy.
As to why living a Jewish life is right for me, well it gives me a framework for being a better person, a mandate to make the world a better place each day and a community that I think I’ve been waiting and hoping for my entire life.
Wow, that’s a wordy response Michelle. Heh, heh thanks for asking Tiffany.
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