One More Shabbat
Tonight begins the final shabbat before my legal conversion. I have changed and grown in so many ways over this past year. It’s been a long process of study and growth. Process being the key word. That means I don’t think that I’m going to be a fundamentally different person after the big dunk. I don’t think the Michelle of today and the Michelle of next Friday will be different people and yet, in a way, they will be. In Hebrew school the word “goy” came up and I jokingly said “um, me” and the Hebrew teacher (who is also my witness for the mikvah) said “not for much longer.”
The first part of my conversion journey was much easier than these final couple months have been. That is counterintuitive and was unexpected. I didn’t think much could be harder than the first meeting with my rabbi where I was so nervous and overwhlemed with emotion I could barely speak. But the recent hurdles and blockades that I’ve had to knock over or find ways around over these past couple months have been infinitely harder to deal with. I’m not glad I had them but I don’t regret them either. My commitment and heart were tested and both prevailed. I was both hurt and loved and both challenged and rewarded. Having been through this period makes me profoundly confident and ready for what is to come this week. I have absolutely no reservations or fears about making this commitment, about legally converting to Judaism.
Well, I guess I have a tiny fear. I have already gained so much from Judaism and so much from my synagogue community. I am so grateful to be joining this family, so grateful that they’ll have me. I hope that I can live up to their faith in me. I hope that I will reward their open arms by being a Jew they’ll be proud to have in their midst. I hope that I can honor the Jewish people and the Jewish faith with my actions each day. I hope that I will be a better partner, a better friend, a better person to My People (in this instance I’m not referring to Jews but I’m referring to, you know, My People. Y’all know who you are). I hope to be more compassionate, more giving, more loving. So my tiny fear is that I’m going to fail in these efforts. The truth is I’ll probably fail a lot but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying and I hope that’s enough.
In some ways this shabbat is monumental because it’s my last as a non-Jew but in some ways it’s wonderful shabbat like any other because my heart has known its place and its status for a long time now. But I think it’s worth acknowledging this day and respecting it.
Shabbat shalom.
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