I remembered it from back in the day. Back when “Waiting to Exhale” was hot, back when I was in college, back when I was young. Naturally I bought it.

Holy shit. Memory lane doesn’t even begin to describe it. The first few bars hit and I was back in that little one bedroom apartment on High Street.

It’s February 1996 and it’s cold out so I’m a little chilly in my long sleeve t-shirt and jeans sitting next to the living room window. B is long gone to school so I’m alone waiting for the video to come on VH1. Watching Angela Bassett set shit on fire while Mary J. wails is my preferred accompaniment for breakfast and I can count on VH1 to serve that shit up every morning before my 10:30 class. Morning ritual complete I put my brown canvas Eddie Bauer sneakers on and get ready to go.

Though I’m tempted to take it for the walk to campus, B’s discman is too heavy to carry and too fragile to throw in my backpack with all my books. So it’s Mary J’s voice that’s in my head as I head down High Street and cut across 14th to get to Chestnut and Thompson Hall.

I’m having an issue.
A health issue.
A health issue that is probably absolutely nothing to worry about.

Still.

I should probably have it checked out.
I should probably have it checked out soon.
But I won’t.

Yet.

In all the news and statistics and handwringing over the burden of obesity on the healthcare system the fact is many fat/overweight/obese people are never actually in the healthcare system. At least not until catastrophe strikes. We avoid the disdainful looks, the comments, the outright judgement of the nurse/office manager/doctor when we step up onto the scales.

Four years ago I lost a seriously large amount of weight. Over the past two years I’ve gained a lot of it back. The last time I saw my gynecologist I had just stopped losing weight. To go back to her now when I am nowhere near that lowest weight is stupefying. And my gynecologist is nice. She lives in my neighborhood and I see her out and about on a regular basis. In fact I saw her on Sunday. So it’s not like seeing the significantly larger me would be a shock to her.

Still.

I can’t face her in that context. The guilt/shame/embarrassment overwhelms.

I’ll wait.

I’ll wait and I’ll hope the issue goes away on its own.

We open (and will open) the door because for hundreds of years the “blood libel” was used to persecute, torment and murder those of our faith. We have opened the door for centuries so that Christians passing by could plainly see that we were not murdering their children and using the spilled blood to make matzoh for Passover.

At the time I remember thinking “how freaking absurd can you get? How on God’s green earth did anyone ever believe that?” And yet I knew that insanity like The Elders of Zi*on still float around and that many people in this world hate Jews.

Passover has been on my mind recently even though it’s still months away. I’m already thinking of cleaning and preparations and what (vegan)B is going to eat at the seders. “Blood libel” had not been on my mind. I’d only been thinking of the joy of the holiday and all the prep for it. It actually kind of sucks to see “blood libel” as a trending topic on Twitter. In the end though maybe this will be good. Maybe it will make people more aware of the persecutions Jews have endured and maybe it will inspire a little more religious tolerance and sensitivity. That’s my hope anyway, that something good will come out of such an offensive statement in response to such a horrific tragedy.

And you’ll notice that I’m not linking to nor specifically mentioning anything more specific than “blood libel.” Because I’ve had my share of hate mail for various reasons and I’m not looking to have random folks who end up here thanks to Google tell me why I’m wrong for being offended or any of that nonsense. Because oh yes my friends anti-semitism is still a mighty force. Use your pal Google to find out about recent anti-semitic happenings at Indiana University.

December 26 – Soul Food

What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

(Author: Elise Marie Collins)

Calling this prompt “Soul Food” is really appropriate. My best food memories revolve around holiday tables and new “family” traditions during religious holidays. A couple of years ago on Passover we were at a very intimate seder where people were forced to interact with all the guests and get to know each other. I got to know people who would become like family to me. As such they have me (and B when she isn’t working) to their home for Passover and Shabbat and Hanukkah and Rosh Hashanah, etc. I think we’ve shared at least one meal with them for every Jewish holiday over the past year. Well I guess not Purim but Mrs. Z brought us hamantaschen so there’s that.

Obviously my biological family isn’t Jewish so having a family take me in to share these rich traditions and rituals with is wonderful. The fact that they keep a kosher home and feed me meat meals is also a great big win. This year though, in addition to all the meals we have eaten at their house we had them over for dinner in our Sukkah. It was a bit nerve racking but in the end it was a wonderful night of food and laughter and conversation and even a little singing. Our Sukkah met the halachic standards of the very observant one in the family and met the construction standards of the engineer in the family.

If I had to pick just one meal to answer this prompt though I’d say it was a Shabbat dinner at the very end of October where Mr. & Mrs. Z, Mrs. Z’s father, B and I enjoyed a delightful evening of food and conversation. It was a meal of brisket for me and ratatouille for B (Mrs. Z respect’s B’s veganism).

I love the food, Mrs. Z’s cooking is very much comfort food for me, but having the family component is what really makes all these holiday meals have special places in my memories and heart.

Having said that I should point out that most of my family of origin has been and continues to be very supportive of my life as a Jew. Saying I have a new family component is not a slight on the Jones clan. It’s just an acknowledgment that this is an area of my life that the Joneses don’t live in and it’s good to have additional “family” members who do.

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

(Author: Tracey Clark)

This was picture was taken by B in a bar called Twist (I think) in New Orleans, Louisiana. We were in New Orleans to celebrate our 15th anniversary and to spend time with some folks we love dearly but do not get to spend nearly enough time with.

I look happy in this picture and a little bit mischievous and I’m wearing some of my favorite jewelry (“Sim Shalom” necklace). It’s a moment where I wasn’t worried about a thing in the world. I wasn’t rushing or stressed or anything but good and happy. It reveals a side of me that doesn’t get to come out and play enough, the Michelle that isn’t spinning plates and trying to get so many things done and so many projects accomplished. It’s a reminder that my goal for 2011 of minimizing things that don’t really fulfill me so I can maximize the things that do and that allow me to do more good is a worthwhile goal that I need to get on accomplishing.

December 24: Everything’s OK
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

(Author: Kate Inglis)

A few weeks back we had a PechaKucha night at 21c and I had been invited to participate. I normally don’t get nervous before speaking gigs because I prepare well and know my stuff when I do them. There was no theme for this PechaKucha night. The only guidance they gave speakers for the topic was:

“We just ask that the presentations not be promotional material such as trying to sell a product or service to the audience. The presentations tend to be much more interesting if it something that inspires the speaker or motivates them to do what they do.”

Hmm. Well I took them at their word that it should not be promotional so no talking about Consuming Louisville or Let Them Tweet Cake. And I took to heart that it should be about what inspires or motivates me. So I prepped a very touchy feely, hoping-to-inspire-people to be kinder presentation. When I arrived at 21c I started to get really nervous. There was a poster in the lobby with pictures and bios of all the presenters and well, let’s just say my presence seemed out of sync with the others on the poster. Then one of the hosts of the evening introduced me to the husband and wife who own 21c. He kind of introduced me as “Consuming Louisville Michelle” and they of course had no idea what Consuming Louisville is so that was a bit awkward and put me even more on edge. Then I saw how many chairs and how formal the setup was down in the gallery space. Gulp.

I went to the bar and got my favorite Proof cocktail (Capri Martini) to settle down a bit. Didn’t work. Instead I took my drink downstairs to the gallery to review my notes and just got more and more and more and more nervous. Like I said I don’t normally get nervous before public speaking gigs so not only was I nervous and on edge but I was also having a kind of vertigo like “what is this feeling, this is not familiar.”

There were a couple architects on the bill for the evening and a couple artists and the man who owns like half of East Market street. Gulp, again. I knew they were going to talk about “Serious Grownup Issues” and I was going to talk about touchy-feely stuff and I felt out of my league.

And then the chairs started to fill. Fill with people a bit older, a bit less nerdy and significantly richer than I’m used to speaking to. I recognized some of the people and the diamonds and expensive clothes told tale on other folks. These were not the people I usually do my thing for, these are not the people who typically relate to me.

B had given up on trying to comfort me because every time she said “you’re going to be great” I would just respond with “This is bad. This is so bad. Oh this is bad.” At this point all the chairs were full, the standing room area behind the chairs was full and the stairwell going up to the main lobby and the balcony looking over the gallery were all full of people as well. “Holy shit” was the only reaction I could come up with when I realized just how packed the place was. Post event estimates had it at like 150, which may actually be the largest audience I’ve ever spoken in front of.

Then the first presenter got up on stage. And he talked about the urban agriculture movement. Then the next speaker presented on architectural plans for reviving a section of Louisville’s waterfront. Then the third presenter talked about the revitalization he’s been spearheading in the East Market District. And then it was me.

I got up on stage, looked at the crowd and miraculously found a few very supportive faces strategically located around the room. A dude from my synagogue was in the very front row. B was in the very back row, right corner, Lou from Loueyville was in the back in the left corner and I could see Gabe Bullard up on the balcony.

Deep breath and……….go!

It went swimmingly. The audience that I was so afraid of laughed at all the right places. They oohed and ahed where they were supposed to. About halfway through I realized that I kind of owned that audience. Like a performer who knows when she’s got the audience on her side I knew that the audience was mine. They were digging what I was saying and the way I was saying it. They dug the images I used to illustrate my points.

I was 100% who I am on that stage and the audience dug it anyway or because of or whatever. And in that moment it felt like I was ok.

All my earnestness on display, all my talk of putting more good and love into the world and all my heart-on-my-sleeveness was accepted and reveled in by this group of mostly strangers. The people who came up to me later and said they were moved or inspired by my talk were not the people I would have pegged to like my talk. It was such an interesting experience.

Then I got more feedback on the interwebs:

And although I know it’s vain and egotistical and unhealthy to get off on external validation so much it makes me think that I’m doing something right in my life. That people would enjoy a talk about earnestness and love and doing good so much inspires me that a whole lot of us are doing something right. This was a good reminder that there’s a whole lot of untapped potential for doing even more good in the world and I and you need to get on tapping into it and getting shit done and making shit better for all of us. To steal from my dear friend Jason a little bit: Let’s go!

I’m not sure I can accurately pick one album to be my favorite of the year. They are 4 very different styles and are meaningful to me in different ways. So instead of picking one favorite here’s the four:

El Turista – Josh Rouse
My love affair with Josh Rouse goes back to B’s fourth year in medical school when she was interviewing at residency programs. While she was off interviewing at Baptist Hospital in Nashville I was browsing Tower Records that I think was on East End Avenue. On a whim I picked up Home and it became one of my favorite records. I’ve loved almost every one of his albums since then (and pre-Home stuff as well) but El Turista is extra special.

Rouse relocated to Spain a few years ago and his last few albums have reflected that change of place, pace and language but none as much as El Turista. From the very first strains of the bass on the instrumental “Bienvenido” this record sets a mood. It’s a laid back Sunday brunch, lazy afternoon reading a book in the yard kind of mood for the most part. “Cotton Eye Joe” is the exception and like my other favorite Rouse songs it plucks that one emotional thread that runs between my heart and my head with my melancholy riding back and forth like a subway car. On the flip side “I Will Live on Islands” just makes me happy, it just makes me smile.

Until maybe 6 weeks ago I was certain this was hands down my favorite record of the year.

High Violet – The National
Speaking of my melancholy High Violet certainly is a perfect album to ride it out with. The deep voice of the lead singer, the really interesting and poetic lyrics and the tempo of the album all make it a great listen when the tone of the conversations in my head are less than sunny.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – Kanye West
So much has been written about this album I need not spill much more ink on it. I’ll just say that it’s an uneasy contradiction for me to love this record when I feel so uncomfortable with much of this record’s lyrical content, in particular the way women are referred to and portrayed. But musically it is a power house. The horns on “All Of The Lights” alone are worth the price of admission.

Music more than any other art form can just make me feel. I’ve spoken before about how Cantorial music touched my very soul from the first time I heard it and still does to this day. Even before I knew a word of Hebrew the emotion in the singing/chanting cut through the limitations of language.

The last three minutes of “Runaway” are almost devoid of lyrics but tell an emotional story nonetheless and I ride those emotions out every time I hear it. And “Lost in the World” with Bon Iver? Damn.

Back to the lyrics for a minute. Even with my discomfort I have to acknowledge the brilliance of Yeezy’s rhyming. Verses like:

restraining order, can’t see my daughter
her mother, brother grandmother hate me in that order

are nothing if not catchy and greedy for the listener’s attention. I also take the title of the album at face value and think that Kanye is playing two, sometimes three, different characters in each song and that the stuff that’s really distasteful to me is coming from the “Monster” character living out dark fantasies.

Sigh No More – Mumford and Sons
I slept on Mumford and Sons for a long while for a really dumb reason. The style is very American folk/alt-country but the obvious English accent of the lead singer created a sort of dissonance that I didn’t really want to deal with. So every time I read a rave review I’d give it my best “Meh.”

Finally one day in early December Amazon MP3 had the album on sale for $5 so I said “I’ma give it a shot.” After a few spins I said “you’re so daft Michelle!” because this is an amazing record. Musically it’s right up my alley of course but lyrically is where this album sealed the deal with me.

“Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown
I know you have felt much more love than you’ve shown
And I’m on my knees and the water creeps to my chest

But plant your hope with good seeds
Don’t cover yourself with thistle and weeds”
- Thistle and Weeds

“It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind”
- The Cave

Yeah. Those are Michelle lyrics right there. For serious. And there’s a song on the album whose title is a Hebrew word so I was destined to love it.

Songs I loved that aren’t on my four favorite albums
“I Will Be Light” – Matisyahu
Time will continue without you
So in the end
It’s not about you
But, what did you do?
Who do you love besides you?

“Brand New Shoes” – She and Him

“New York City’s Killing Me” & “For the Summer”- Ray LaMontagne

“Enzymes” – Freelance Whales

“How I Got Over” & “Radio Daze” and “Walk Alone”- The Roots

And that’s pretty much my 2010 in music.

December 23: New Name
Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

(Author: Becca Wilcott)

This is a very strange prompt but oddly enough I have a simple answer for this: Hi, I’m Miriam.

I am her and she is me and we are all together. Miriam is of course my Hebrew name. There are people at my synagogue who I don’t think actually know my name is Michelle, they just call me Miriam. And I think my Rabbi forgot what my secular name is. Actually that’s not true, he remembers but only uses it when he’s chiding me about something.

I can’t explain it but being referred to by my Hebrew name is like a term of endearment. When someone calls me Miriam it just feels nice.

December 22: Travel
How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

(Author: Tara Hunt)

This year I traveled to Washington DC and to New Orleans. The first trip was a “tag along” trip where B was going to a conference and I tagged along. I had 4 days to explore DC pretty much on my own. I hadn’t been there since I was in high school so it was nice to visit as an adult. We stayed in a really nice hotel which I enjoyed immensely. We travel so infrequently we decided that after the experience at the Ritz we’re staying at a Ritz or equivalent whenever possible. It truly is worth the money for us since we only do a couple trips a year.

The hotel was a couple miles from most of the museums and the monuments and I walked back and forth and all around that part of DC as well as up to Dupont Circle and down Embassy Row. This led to a stress fracture or something in my foot that made me absolutely unable to walk without severe pain on the last day we were there. Boo, hiss to stress fracture but serious yay to be able to explore museums like the National Gallery, Newseum (with my cousin Melissa even!), Museum of American History and the Holocaust Museum. That last one of course was emotionally taxing, I saved it for the last day I had to explore. The pain in my foot intensified the intense experience that it already was.

In October we traveled to New Orleans to celebrate our 15th anniversary with some of our nearest and dearest (nearest in the heart that is, geography is wicked). New Orleans was of course fantastic. Lots of good food, lots of good drinks, lots of good conversation.

I’m really looking forward to returning to New Orleans for the nerd wedding of the century in the Spring both because I want to explore the city a little bit more and because, le sigh, I just don’t get to be in the same physical space with these people nearly enough. I didn’t have the chance to hit any museums or galleries while we were there so I hope to do that in the Spring.

For next year, in addition to New Orleans, I really want to go to Key West in the winter. That’s been a dream of mine for…forever. I’d also like to visit Chicago again (hopefully with Melle, photowalking!). I also hope to finally make it to California this year. I want to visit the Yay with my people and I want to visit my people in Los Angeles. There may be an opportunity for a tag along trip to San Diego in April, if that happens will somebody drive done from LA to pick me up?

December 18: Try
What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

(Author: Kaileen Elise)

I’d like to try programming next year. Being around the programmers at work and reading about some women programmers have made me really want to take my geek skills a little deeper. HTML, CSS, fine but anything beyond that (even Javascript and PHP mostly) and I’m out of my league. I’ve tried reading a couple programming books before but it just didn’t click for me. So I’m not really sure how I’m going to go about even learning enough to have a solid knowledge base to try programming nor do I know what language I should start with (Ruby?). But there it is, one thing I’d like to try next year.

I’d also like to try baking my own challah on a regular basis. Though the bakery at Whole Foods misses me since I haven’t been visiting to buy challah there. A friend of mine from shul and I used to be there every Friday morning at the same time. The friend told me yesterday that last week the bakery lady told here “Your young friend hasn’t been in here in a long time!” Look at that! I’m still considered young by someone.